Gentle Dogtraining

– allowing my powerful feminine approach

I finally allow myself to connect to my dog the way it feels best to me. By being myself. I throw these aboard:

„You need to show him that you are the boss.“
„You need to be dominant.“
„You want it, so she has to do it.“
„Because I say so.“
„Sie tanzt dir auf der Nase herum.“ – „She is playing you up.“
„Du musst dich endlich durchsetzen.“ – „You have to finally be hard and assertive.“
„She is making fun of you.“
„You need to break him.“
„This way you will never get her to respect you/follow the rules.“

Outer and inner beliefs

The above sentences were said to me from various people who call themselves dog trainers. Among them professionals who do this for a living and I paid them, dog sports club hobby people, and those who talk on YouTube.
But also some of those expressions were „common dog knowledge“ in the society and family I grew up in. So I was unconsiously holding some of those twisted beliefs myself.

I thought I had dog exprience, because my family had a Golden Retriever when I was growing up und when I was 15, I got my own dog: A pug called Mia. Mia was a sporty, healthy pug and we discovered Agility together, which is one of my biggest passions ever since. So, many years later I got myself a Border Collie. Flocke. And Flocke basically taught me, that I know nothing about dogs. Especially not herding breeds.

I am very grateful to all the things her emotionally intelligent character helped me understand and for the things she helped me remember. We are still on an ongoing miraculous journey together. What I mean by remembering is the way I related to animals, when I was a child. Never ever would my young me have had doubts, that animals have feelings, that they can feel and understand our feelings. That they want and deserve to be safe, respected and loved. Just reflect on yourself as a child for a moment: How did you interact with nature? In what ways did your senses move, when you were in nature? How did you talk to the animals you encountered? How did you perceive them?

I for sure was friends with them. The softness of the inner child can get lost. We harden ourselves, because of things like trauma. As a grown up we hustle through everyday life, in a society built on performance. Of course that is just one perspective as life and society have a lot of beautiful attributes too. And we can learn to stop pressuring ourselves. And our dogs.

Note: Still I want to raise awareness, that dogs are a different species and they simply have a different language. So I am not humanizing dogs here. It is in fact crucial to learn the specifics of their language and needs, which are different to ours in some points, while in others there might be parallels.

If I would go hard on Flocke she would get even more nervous. Sarah Fink says it very intelligently in her online classes. She goes something like: „Nicht stressig sein, nicht böse, nicht grantig.“ Do not communicate with your dog from a stressed inner place. Don’t put your anger onto her. Communicate the boundary calmly. As that is what most of us are lacking: The ability to be a balanced and commincative being, who can set boundaries in a friendly way. Often we might see-saw beetween being in a pushover or an aggressive boss identity. I am speaking out of my own experience. So it is a very healthy path, to integrate and heal this polarity within us. Both us and our dogs can benefit from it.

In my wanting to be a good dog owner at the beginning I randomly picked two eBooks before welcoming Flocke into my home. One was specifically on the raising of Border Collies, but it sadly advised to use a tight grab around the snout, if the dog is „naughty“ or if nothing else works. So I used it. What did my puppy do? Zoom around the flat and dangerously crash into things at full speed. I am sorry, Flocke. I am sorry I treated you wrong and I am grateful that you taught me better. Please forgive me. I will do my best to treat you right, always.

The other book was a puppy book by Cesar Milan. He explained to put an umbrella in front of the dog, so he would walk on leash nicely. And that if you just look deep into your dogs eyes, he will for sure retrieve the toy to you… So not helpful either for me at that moment. Although I like his approach to communicate through (calm) energy with the dog. Maybe I would be able to read his book differently from today’s perspective.

Old patriarchic ways

Flocke started chasing cars when she was about four months old. I tried to „correct“ her by sharply poking into her side. It did not work and would add to the stress on both sides. I yelled „No!“, which was a dead end too. What I was always turned of by, where leash pulls/corrections. But „Beckman’s Dog Training“ on YouTube made it look like a great method for leash walking and I tried it for about three days. My partner told me, that it seemed unfair and violent and he was very right. Beckman has content about how his Doberman Prince „fixes“ other dogs, which are described as „brutally stubborn, highly aggressive, reactive, out of control, bullies“. That same person stated in one of his videos, that positive trainers are mostly „women in their 30ies and 40ies, who do not have a man and/or kids“ and that he gives nothing about their critique in the comments. That was it for me. I do not need to explain, why this is inappropriate in so many ways. So I was more than relieved to finally find content, that was more on my soul level. And I highly recommend them to you (without any benefit for myself): Calm Canine Academy is a group of professional dog trainers who also have good free content available on their social media. They helped me come to realize that the idea of domination and repression as in the examples above, are expressions of patriarchy. Being a mindful and educated dog guardian means to bring new, more beneficial ways to life.

Note: As you can see I am refering to different content I found on the internet. I had to learn the hard way, that not everyone who calls themselves a dog trainer can be trusted as such. And of course there is the freedom of different opinions, so you will find contradictory stuff. What is really important therefore is, to consciously consume that content and to ask yourself, if this is right for you. Even with this article right here: I ask you to check, if this is for you and what type of training corresponds with your ethics.

Unfelt feelings

My violent behaviour was rooted in desperation. A combination of lack of knowledge, lack of outer support and understanding, the stress her unwanted behaviour gave me and my falling short of processing my emotions. It is natural that feelings like this and many more like shame, frustration, sadness or anger arise. To be a responsible human citizen and guardian for your dog, means to feel those feelings. To let them be there, to own them, without dumping them onto your dog. To not take personally whatever your dog does. To go outside and think: „This time it must work, he must be a good boy now. We will pass those dogs/cars/fill in trigger and it will be alright.“ Or: „The other dogs on Instagram are doing great. Why can’t we do it too?“ might be pitfalls into frustration, because you are building an expectation and pushing it onto your dog. So you might need a little reality check there to see him fully and to act accordingly. Which comes down to be capable of reading your dog.

I am still sad sometimes about how I was not able to build a stong trustful foundation between me and Flocke from the beginning. But that is also why I take the courage to share this part of our journey. I felt juged by positive trainers on the internet, who would rant and shame other methods. (Even though I agree with them.) I was ashamed in front of my friends. So I am here to tell you: I understand, if you did this too. If you tried what they told you. If you tried, what old beliefs told you. I understand the shame you might feel about it. You can change. You do not need to be superstrong or strict or dominant. You do not need to have such a type of personality to be a dog owner. You can work on this. With inner work with yourself and with your dog. It is never to late to start a respectful relationship. Taking Flocke to a session with a specialist in dogs behaviour and psychology gave me anxiety, because I was afraid she would judge me for not being a good guardian. But overcoming this fear and processing my emotions helped us get to a better place alltogether.

Note: Aside some of my mistakes which I have focused on in this article, there was of course already a respectful and loving life together on the main part, don’t get me wrong. And Flocke had unpleasant experiences with strangers that I could not control, but that is another article.

My feminine power

The good news is, that the root of desperation I mentioned earlier can be reversed: The lack of knowledge can be filled with research and learning. The lack of outer support and understanding can be filled by finding the right professional dog trainer for you and to talk to friends and family openly. The stress you might feel, when your dog shows unwanted behaviour can be eased by knowing that your dog is not bad, not wrong, not doing this with the specific purpose to make you mad. So breathe and take a break if necessary. And finally the upcoming emotions can be held, felt and let go of.

When becoming an adult, the soft and playful qualities of the child we once were, can evolve into trust, calm and open-hearted understanding. I personally see those as my feminine leadership qualities. But you can call them whatever you like. 🙂 The point is, to allow yourself to lead (your dog) with your heart. In your individual way that feels right for the both of you. And not get insecure no more by anyone telling you, that you should do otherwise.

I was told I had a rough dog

When I actually had a sensitive dog

I was told I needed to be dominant

When I was actually sensitive too

I thought I was too soft to be a dog owner

But now realized we are the perfect match